I was driving home from a session with a client last night and couldn’t help but notice a pattern I’ve seen hundreds of times before. This woman—successful, bright, in her forties—was describing how she’d spent the weekend reorganizing her entire home to accommodate her partner’s new hobby equipment. When I asked if he’d helped with the reorganizing, she looked genuinely puzzled. “Oh, he doesn’t notice that sort of thing,” she said, as if stating that water is wet. 💭
THE INVISIBLE LABOR WE PRETEND DOESN’T EXIST 🔍
I’ve counseled women across Manchester and beyond for twenty years now, and if there’s one thing I’ve noticed, it’s how differently women navigate emotional responsibility in relationships. Some bend themselves into pretzels trying to anticipate everyone’s needs, while others have learned—often the hard way—to draw clear lines around what’s theirs to carry.
From what I’ve seen, women aren’t struggling with whether to care for others—that’s hardwired into most of us through both biology and culture. The real struggle is knowing when that care becomes self-erasure.
And it’s not just about housework or childcare—though heaven knows those are still imbalanced in most homes I visit. It’s about the mental and emotional load many women carry: remembering birthdays, managing family conflicts, being the emotional thermometer of every room they enter. 🌡️
The research confirms what many of us already know in our bones—women across cultures spend significantly more time on unpaid care work than men do. But what the research doesn’t capture is how this disparity becomes embedded in our emotional patterns, creating what I call “anticipatory anxiety”—that constant, low-level vigilance about others’ needs that runs in the background of many women’s minds.
SETTING BOUNDARIES WITHOUT SETTING FIRES 🔥
“But Monica,” women often tell me, “if I stop doing these things, everything will fall apart.” And they’re not entirely wrong. Systems depend on someone doing the invisible work. But here’s the truth that’s harder to swallow: continuing to silently absorb this imbalance doesn’t actually serve anyone in the long run.
Think of your capacity for care as a garden hose. Most women I counsel are trying to water an entire community garden with a hose that’s been kinked in multiple places. The water pressure gets weaker and weaker until nothing comes out at all. Resentment builds. Exhaustion sets in. The garden still needs water, but you’ve got nothing left to give. 🌱
Setting boundaries isn’t about suddenly refusing to care—it’s about unkinking the hose so your care can flow naturally, without depleting you.
Here’s what women don’t realize: People adapt remarkably quickly when our silent compensation stops. That partner who “doesn’t notice things” suddenly develops keen observational skills when no clean cups appear in the cupboard. That colleague who always “needs your help” with presentations discovers hidden resources when you’re unavailable. ✨
CULTURAL DIFFERENCES WITHOUT CULTURAL EXCUSES 🌍
Working with women from different backgrounds has taught me that while care expectations vary wildly across cultures, the need for reciprocity doesn’t. I remember counseling a Japanese client who was struggling with the expectation that she would care for her husband’s parents in their home while maintaining her career. When we explored her options, she found a solution that honored her cultural values while still protecting her wellbeing—hiring part-time help that she managed, rather than doing everything herself.
What I’ve noticed is that women often use cultural expectations as reasons to accept imbalance, rather than as contexts within which to negotiate. The most successful women I’ve counseled don’t reject their cultural frameworks entirely—they work within them strategically, finding the flexibility that exists in any system.
WHAT I’VE NOTICED: THE PARADOX OF SELFLESSNESS 💫
Here’s a counterintuitive observation from my years of counseling: The women who appear most “selfless” are often doing the most harm to their relationships. When you consistently override your own needs, you’re not actually giving from a place of genuine care—you’re giving from obligation, fear, or habit. And the people around you can feel the difference, even if they can’t name it.
The emotional bytes we store from childhood often create powerful scripts about what care should look like. If you watched your mother exhaust herself caring for everyone while receiving little in return, that pattern becomes lodged in your emotional framework. These invisible structures shape your behavior without your awareness, creating relationships that feel inevitable rather than chosen.
True generosity requires boundaries. It requires knowing where you end and others begin. It requires recognizing that sometimes the most caring thing you can do is step back and allow others to develop their own capacity for care.
So next time you find yourself automatically taking on a task that rightfully belongs to someone else, pause. Ask yourself: “Am I doing this from love, or from fear? Am I supporting growth, or enabling dependence?” The answer might surprise you—and changing your response might transform your relationships in ways you never imagined possible. 💖
—Monica Dean, who knows that a garden tends to thrive best when everyone takes turns holding the watering can. 🌿
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