The other day in my counselling office, a woman walked in looking absolutely shattered. She’d just found out her fiancé had been cheating with her best friend, and two weeks later, his adult son was getting married. The son—who she’d built a lovely relationship with—wanted her at the wedding. She declined, knowing she’d be a teary mess, and now the son was furious with her. She sat there wondering if she was selfish for protecting herself instead of “sucking it up” for his big day. 💔
🪤 WHEN LOYALTY BECOMES A TRAP
I’ve noticed women across cultures share this tendency to twist themselves into emotional pretzels to meet others’ expectations, even when those expectations are wildly unreasonable. From what I’ve seen counselling women in Manchester council estates and corporate boardrooms alike, we’ve internalized this bizarre idea that being a good woman means putting everyone else’s feelings before our own—even when we’re bleeding emotionally.
It reminds me of a client from Leeds who attended her ex-husband’s mother’s funeral despite their nasty divorce, because “that’s what good people do.” She ended up having a panic attack in the church toilet while his new girlfriend comforted her. Nobody benefited from her martyrdom—not her, not the deceased, certainly not the other guests who witnessed her distress.
The truth is that our emotional responses aren’t just random feelings we can override with enough willpower. They’re sophisticated information systems—what I think of as emotional bytes—containing physical sensations, emotional charges, and crucial information about our needs. When these emotional bytes are screaming “danger,” forcing yourself into triggering situations isn’t brave—it’s self-harm. ⚠️
📜 THE INVISIBLE SCRIPT WE’RE ALL FOLLOWING
Women often operate from an emotional script that says: “If I prioritize myself, I’m selfish.” This script runs so deep we don’t even realize it’s there, shaping our choices and triggering guilt when we dare to set boundaries. This is particularly potent around family events and celebrations, where the pressure to “keep the peace” and “be the bigger person” becomes overwhelming.
But here’s what women don’t realize: Setting boundaries isn’t selfish—it’s responsible. When you’re in emotional crisis, showing up physically while falling apart mentally doesn’t serve anyone. It’s like bringing a highly contagious illness to a wedding—your distress spreads, affecting everyone’s experience. 🦠
A woman from Nigeria once told me something profound during a session. In her culture, there’s a saying that translates roughly to: “A person cannot pour from an empty cup, and should not pretend they can.” The wisdom in this transcends cultural boundaries. When we’re emotionally depleted, pretending otherwise doesn’t make us strong—it makes us dishonest.
🧭 A SIMPLE RULE FOR IMPOSSIBLE CHOICES
When faced with situations where others’ expectations clash with your emotional wellbeing, I offer this principle: Choose the option that creates the least suffering overall, not just in the moment.
Imagine your emotional capacity as a bank account. Some events make deposits, others make withdrawals. A massive emotional trauma—like discovering infidelity with a close friend—creates a huge withdrawal. Attending a wedding where you’ll be the subject of gossip while pretending to be fine? That’s another massive withdrawal. If your account is already overdrawn, making another withdrawal isn’t brave—it’s financial suicide. 💸
Often women feel they must choose between hurting themselves or disappointing others. But consider this: Your emotional collapse at someone’s wedding creates more suffering for everyone than your respectful absence. Sometimes the kindest thing you can do for others is to honor your own limitations.
👁️ WHAT I’VE NOTICED:
The women who best navigate these impossible situations aren’t those who sacrifice themselves on the altar of others’ expectations, but those who communicate their boundaries with compassion. They say, “I care about you deeply, which is why I’m being honest about what I can and cannot give right now.“
I once counselled identical twins with drastically different approaches to family obligations. The first always said yes, then arrived resentful and exhausted. The second carefully chose which events she could genuinely show up for—physically and emotionally—and which she couldn’t. Guess which sister had the stronger relationships? The selective one. Her presence was meaningful because it was authentic, not obligatory. ✨
The most counterintuitive truth I’ve learned in my years of counselling is this: People respect boundaries far more than martyrdom. We think others want our sacrifice, but what they actually want is our authentic presence. When that’s not possible, a loving absence is better than a resentful or distressed attendance.
—Monica Dean, remembering that putting your oxygen mask on first isn’t selfish—it’s the only way to be truly present for others when the crisis has passed. 🎭
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