Yesterday I watched a woman at Starbucks nearly burst into tears while whispering furiously into her phone. When our eyes met, she mouthed “my boss” and gave that universal grimace we all recognize. 😤 Later, as she gathered her things, she muttered, “And then my friend says ‘everyone gets yelled at work’ like that makes it okay.” I wanted to buy her a second coffee and tell her she wasn’t crazy. Instead, I’m writing this for her—and you.
The Invisible Gap Between Experience and Observation 🔍
Here’s what research consistently shows but nobody talks about: when we share painful experiences, we’re rarely looking for explanations about why they’re normal. We’re seeking validation that our emotional bytes—those packages of physical sensations, emotional charges, and personal narratives—are legitimate.
When someone responds to workplace mistreatment with “that’s just how things are,” they’re not just missing the point. They’re actively invalidating your emotional frames—the interpretive lenses through which you experience these situations.
What’s actually happening in these moments? Your brain has registered a threat. Your body is flooded with stress hormones. Your emotional processing system is trying to make sense of being publicly humiliated. And someone you trust essentially tells you to get over it. 😔
The “Never Experienced It” Blind Spot 🙈
People who haven’t experienced workplace intimidation firsthand often engage with it as an abstract concept rather than a lived reality. It’s not just about lacking empathy—it’s about having fundamentally different emotional scripts running in the background.
When someone says “yelling is common in workplaces” without having recently experienced it, they’re not drawing from emotional memory but from intellectual frameworks. This creates a massive validation gap that feels like being told your pain is theoretical.
Studies consistently show that witnesses perceive aggression differently than recipients. The observer thinks about context and justification. The recipient feels the racing heart, flushed face, and crushing shame—physical sensations that persist long after the incident ends. 💔
What Actually Helps (And What Doesn’t) ✨
When you’re being mistreated at work, your need hierarchy gets completely scrambled. Basic psychological needs for autonomy and competence are threatened. Your emotional need for safety is compromised. Even your identity needs for validation are under attack.
What helps is someone saying: “That sounds awful. You don’t deserve to be treated that way.” 🤗
What doesn’t help is normalization, explanation, or invalidation—especially from someone whose emotional scripts around workplace dynamics may be outdated or theoretical.
The irony? Both parties in these conversations often end up feeling misunderstood. The person experiencing mistreatment feels invalidated. The friend feels they were just trying to help and gets defensive when their perspective is challenged.
When we lack emotional granularity—the ability to distinguish between similar emotional states—we often can’t articulate what we actually need: not solutions or explanations, but simple acknowledgment that our emotional experience matters.
Next time you’re on either side of this equation, remember: validation before explanation. Recognition before rationalization. And sometimes, just listening is worth more than a thousand words of advice. 👂
The gap isn’t in understanding—it’s in experiencing.
Sending strength to all of you hiding in bathroom stalls after meetings gone wrong,
💪 Sophia Rivera
Additional Resources:
https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/02678373.2023.2169968
https://www.stopbullying.gov/resources/get-help-now
https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/02678373.2023.2283222
https://www.workplacebullyingcoalition.org/workplace-bullying-research
https://www.nomos-elibrary.de/10.5771/9781666912203.pdf
http://edl.emi.gov.et/jspui/bitstream/123456789/1377/1/exploring-social-psychology_compress.pdf