I still remember the day Emily sat down in my office, her perfectly manicured nails drumming against the ceramic mug of green tea I’d offered. She was the picture of Upper East Side composure—Cartier watch, understated diamond studs, cashmere that probably cost more than my rent. But her eyes gave her away. That particular shade of worry I’ve seen a thousand times across my leather couch.
“My husband brings his coworker breakfast. Every. Single. Day,” she said, each word dropping like a stone in still water. “He says it’s just friendly. But who does that, Lola? Who makes a special stop every morning to bring egg sandwiches to Perky Megan from Marketing?”
Who indeed? 🤔
☕ The Breakfast Club Nobody Asked to Join
Emily’s husband, Michael, had been performing this morning ritual for nearly three months. Coffee, egg sandwich, sometimes a pastry. Like clockwork. The same woman. The same smile. The same dismissive “it’s nothing” when Emily questioned it.
The emotional bytes we store around food are fascinating—they’re never just about nutrition. Food is care. Food is connection. Food is access to our most primal sense of security and attachment. Michael wasn’t just delivering calories; he was delivering emotional signals wrapped in wax paper and handed over with a smile.
What struck me wasn’t just the act itself but how Emily’s husband had created an entire emotional frame around this interaction—one that excluded his wife while establishing a daily intimate ritual with another woman.
People don’t invest this kind of consistent energy without getting something in return. The economy of attention in relationships is rarely charitable.
When I gently pointed this out, Emily’s face crumpled. “Am I crazy for being upset about breakfast sandwiches?”
No, Emily. You’re not crazy for recognizing an emotional script when you see one. 💯
🏢 The Workplace “Friendship” We’re All Pretending to Understand
Modern workplaces are emotional minefields disguised as professional environments. We spend more waking hours with coworkers than spouses, share the stress of deadlines and victories, and then act shocked—shocked!—when boundaries blur.
Emily’s husband had crafted the perfect defense: “She’s just a friend from work.”
The thing about these workplace connections is they exploit a perfect gap in our relationship vigilance. They’re legitimized by professional necessity while simultaneously protected from scrutiny because “it’s just work.” This invisible structure lets emotional intimacy develop right under our noses while we’re busy watching for the obvious threats.
As Emily talked, I recognized the classic signs of a boundary-blurring workplace relationship:
- Daily rituals that create exclusivity and anticipation ⏰
- Shared experiences the primary partner isn’t part of
- Defensiveness when questioned about the nature of the relationship 🛡️
- Minimizing behaviors that, if reversed, would cause concern
- Using the workplace as justification for unusual levels of attention
“I asked him how he’d feel if I brought breakfast to Brad from Accounting every day,” Emily said with a hollow laugh. “He said that was different. It’s always different when it’s them, isn’t it?”
It’s always different when it’s them.
🚨 When Your Gut Is Screaming But Everyone Calls You Insecure
What fascinated me about Emily’s case wasn’t just Michael’s behavior but how thoroughly she’d been convinced to doubt her own emotional navigation system. Her needs navigator—that internal compass pointing to what we truly require in relationships—was functioning perfectly. It was sending clear danger signals. But somewhere along the way, she’d been taught to override it.
“Maybe I’m just being insecure,” she said, echoing what I suspect Michael had suggested. “Maybe this is normal and I’m overreacting.”
I’ve spent two decades watching smart, accomplished people talk themselves out of what they know to be true. We’ve become so afraid of appearing jealous or controlling that we’ll ignore flashing red warning lights in our own emotional dashboard. ⚠️
The truth is, intimacy has patterns. Connection leaves footprints. And bringing someone breakfast every day is leaving tracks all over your relationship landscape.
Over several sessions, Emily began reconnecting with her own emotional bytes around trust and boundaries. She started recognizing how Michael’s defensive scripts—”you’re overreacting,” “this is normal,” “you’re being controlling”—were designed to protect his freedom to maintain this emotionally charged ritual rather than address her legitimate concerns.
When she finally confronted him with clear evidence of how this relationship was affecting their marriage, his response was telling. He didn’t stop the breakfasts. He just became more secretive about them.
Which tells you everything you need to know, doesn’t it? 😔
🥪 The Language of Sandwiches
Six months after our final session, Emily called me. She and Michael were in couples therapy. The breakfast deliveries had been just the visible part of an emotional affair that had indeed progressed further. But she thanked me for one thing: validating that she wasn’t crazy for believing that egg sandwiches could speak volumes.
Because they can. And they do. 💪
Sometimes the most significant emotional indicators aren’t dramatic confrontations or explicit betrayals. They’re the small, consistent choices about where we direct our care, attention, and yes, breakfast sandwiches. These choices reveal our emotional scripts—the automatic behavioral patterns that feel natural but actually emerge from deeper frames shaping how we view relationships.
💡 Core Insight
The affairs that destroy relationships rarely begin in hotel rooms. They begin in seemingly innocent moments of connection that nobody bothered to question.
In the end, it’s rarely about the sandwiches. It’s about what they represent: the investment of care, the creation of ritual, the carving out of exclusive emotional territory with someone who isn’t your partner.
— Lola Adams, noting that what we dismiss as paranoia in our partners is often their emotional intelligence recognizing a threat before we’re ready to admit it exists 🎯
Related Resources:
Setting Boundaries at Work – Culture Amp
Workplace Friendships – British Psychological Society
Workplace Relationships Research – PMC
Professional Boundaries Study – PMC