She sat across from me, knuckles white, jaw clenched. Tears threatened but did not fall. I had seen this look before on the battlefield, in the boardroom, in the mirror. The look of someone betrayed but trying desperately to maintain tactical composure.
Ashley K was a high-powered marketing executive, someone who commanded rooms and managed million-dollar campaigns with precision. Yet here she sat, undone by three simple words texted by her boyfriend: “I’m not coming.”
I still remember Ashley because she embodied what I call the “competence paradox” – the more capable someone is in their professional life, the more bewildering and painful it can be when their personal relationships fall apart. 💔
When “Sorry” Isn’t Actually Sorry 🚫
Ashley’s boyfriend had canceled plans to join her family vacation with less than 24 hours’ notice. But the real kicker? He disappeared for over a day afterward. No updates, no explanations. Just silence.
Then came a message that was more justification than apology, followed by defensiveness when she attempted to discuss how his actions made her feel.
“He told me I should be thanking him for not coming because it saved me drive time to the airport,” she said, incredulous. “When I tried to explain I was hurt emotionally, he called it ‘a woman’s emotional argument.'”
I nodded. “Let me guess: when you pressed further, he accused you of attacking him?”
Her eyes widened. “Exactly. How did you know?”
Truth is, I’d seen this pattern hundreds of times. Hell, I’d been that guy myself in my first marriage. What was happening wasn’t just poor communication – it was a classic emotional invalidation spiral powered by something we rarely talk about: shame-based defensive patterns. 🛡️
The Invalidation Machine ⚙️
Here’s what was really happening in Ashley’s relationship: her boyfriend wasn’t just canceling plans; he was operating an invalidation machine. This machine has three gears that spin together:
1. The Defensive Pivot
When confronted with emotional impact, he pivoted to logical consequences (“saved you drive time”) to move the conversation to territory he felt safer in. This isn’t strategy; it’s survival instinct.
2. The Gendered Dismissal
By labeling her hurt as “a woman’s emotional argument,” he wasn’t just being sexist; he was creating a frame where her feelings could be categorized as invalid by default. This is how men sometimes transform their inability to process emotions into a supposed strength.
3. The Victim Flip
When he claimed she was “attacking him,” he executed the most predictable move in the defensive playbook: flipping from perpetrator to victim.
What Ashley didn’t realize was that beneath his dismissiveness was a massive, unprocessed emotional core containing fear, shame, and inadequacy – emotions many men never learn to recognize, let alone express. 😤
Reading Between the Lines 🔍
The hidden pattern that most relationship advice misses is that these conflicts aren’t primarily about communication techniques – they’re about emotional system collisions.
Ashley’s boyfriend wasn’t just being difficult – his entire emotional system was operating on a fundamentally different needs hierarchy than hers. While she prioritized relational needs (responsiveness, reliability, respect), he was stuck in identity protection mode (avoiding shame, maintaining control, preserving self-image).
Here’s what I told Ashley that she wouldn’t hear from a typical therapist: “Your boyfriend isn’t failing at being emotionally available. He’s succeeding at emotional self-protection. That’s a crucial distinction.”
The Frame, Not the Picture 🖼️
Ashley’s real challenge wasn’t about her relationship with her boyfriend – it was about her relationship with her father. During our third session, she confessed that her father, a stern military man, had used the exact same phrase – “that’s just a woman’s emotional argument” – throughout her childhood.
She’d sworn never to accept such treatment, yet here she was, entangled with a man who echoed those same invalidating patterns.
This is where traditional relationship advice falls short. It focuses on changing behaviors without addressing the invisible emotional frames that make those behaviors feel necessary and right.
Men who invalidate their partners’ emotions aren’t lacking information about how to communicate. They’re lacking the emotional granularity to recognize that beneath their defensive reactions lies fear – fear that if they acknowledge their partner’s pain, they might have to face their own inadequacy. 😰
💡 Core Insight
The most provocative truth I shared with Ashley was this: “Your boyfriend isn’t going to change because you’ve made a better argument. He’ll only change when his emotional frame shifts from seeing vulnerability as weakness to recognizing it as the foundation of genuine strength.”
Field-tested truth: The most damaging fights in relationships aren’t about the issues at hand – they’re about whether both people feel emotionally safe enough to be vulnerable about their needs.
—Jas Mendola, knowing that a man’s greatest fear isn’t failure, but being inadequate in the eyes of those whose opinion he actually values 💯
References:
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC8915221/
https://digitalcommons.pepperdine.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1302&context=etd
https://southhillscounseling.com/blog/communication-patterns-that-strengthen-relationships
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC8710473/
https://ijip.in/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/18.01.167.20241204.pdf
https://positivepsychology.com/communication-in-relationships/