She was ill. She was in pain. And she still felt responsible for him. Her boyfriend’s face had gone from concern to desire to anger in the space of minutes, leaving her alone in her sickness, curled around a kidney that screamed for relief, not passion. She felt the weight of his need pressing down on her like a physical thing, even after he had stormed out of the bedroom.
I remember Ava K because she taught me more about power in relationships than any textbook ever could. She sat across from me, this bright, articulate young woman, explaining her chronic UTIs and kidney infections with medical precision while simultaneously apologizing for “making her boyfriend upset” by refusing sex during severe illness.
The contrast between her clear understanding of her physical health and her confusion about her relationship health was stark. But what struck me most was her necklace—a delicate silver chain with a tiny shield pendant. “My mom gave it to me for protection,” she’d explained with a sad smile. “Ironic, right?”
💰 When Caretaking Becomes Currency
I’ve seen this pattern thousands of times. A partner provides care during illness or crisis, then implicitly or explicitly treats that care as a debt to be repaid—often through sex or emotional labor. This transaction isn’t spoken aloud because naming it would expose its ugliness.
This transactional approach to caretaking is poison to intimacy. It creates a power imbalance where one person becomes perpetually indebted to the other. I’ve been on both sides of this equation in my younger days—keeping mental tabs of what I’d done for partners, feeling resentful when they didn’t “appreciate” me enough.
What Ava’s boyfriend was actually saying wasn’t “I want intimacy with you” but “I’ve earned access to your body through my caretaking.” That’s ego talking, not strategy—and certainly not love.
⚖️ The Balance of Things: Power Disguised as Need
What many men call “high sex drive” is often something else entirely. We’re taught to funnel all our needs for comfort, connection, validation, and even emotional regulation through sex. This creates what I call an emotional byte pattern—a cluster of physical sensations, emotional charge, needs, and narratives all bundled together.
For many men, this byte becomes overwhelmingly powerful because it’s carrying the weight of multiple unmet needs, not just sexual desire.
Truth is, Ava’s boyfriend wasn’t just horny. He was seeking reassurance that he mattered, validation of his worth, comfort for his stress, and confirmation of his identity as a man—all through the narrow channel of sexual access. When denied, the emotional byte exploded into anger because too many needs were attached to that single interaction.
🎯 Reading Between the Lines: The Age Gap Strategy
Field-tested truth: When an 18-year-old man dates a 21-year-old woman, the three-year age gap often represents a deliberate power strategy—even if unconscious. I’ve counseled hundreds of young men who seek slightly older partners because same-age women won’t tolerate their immature behavior, while the older women have been socially conditioned to “nurture” and “understand” men.
“She’s more mature, you know? She gets it.” What they mean is: “She tolerates my bullshit because she’s been taught that’s what women do.”
The controversial reality that most relationship experts won’t tell you: many men deliberately select partners they can manipulate through age differences, experience gaps, or economic disparities. It’s not calculating villainy—it’s insecurity seeking safety through control.
🛡️ The Respect Principle
Here’s the mission-critical information: A relationship without mutual respect during illness is a relationship that will fail during health.
The Respect Principle states: How someone responds to your boundaries during your most vulnerable moments reveals everything about how they view your autonomy and personhood.
Ava’s boyfriend wasn’t showing her who he was during a bad moment. He was showing her who he was when the stakes were highest—when her health and autonomy were in direct competition with his desires. This wasn’t an anomaly; it was a revelation.
When I finally helped Ava understand that her boyfriend’s anger wasn’t her responsibility to manage, something shifted in her perspective. “So I’m not ungrateful for expecting basic respect when I’m sick?” she asked, her voice small but strengthening.
That question contained the beginning of her freedom.
💡 Core Insight
Strength isn’t what you think it is. It’s not found in dominating others or getting your needs met at all costs. Real strength—the kind that builds lasting relationships—is found in respecting boundaries even when they frustrate you, especially when they frustrate you.
The most powerful words a man can learn aren’t “I love you” but “I respect your no.”
—Jas Mendola
📚 References:
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC2529377/
https://yaledailynews.com/sjp2024/2024/10/08/the-evolving-power-dynamics-between-adults-and-youth/
https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/full/10.1177/02654075211017670